The Wedding and A Few Other Things

Ok. I came over here to get married, but I have a couple other things I wanted to say first. Only problem is, as soon as I typed that, I completely forgot what else I was gonna say. SIGH. And I was told by someone, that I can't blame the Maternal Amnesia anymore, because that only technically lasts until your baby is 4 months old. I think that's what she said. I actually can't remember that now either! Never mind. Let me start getting married and I'll probably interrupt myself 36 times in the telling by remembering what I was thinking when I first came on here today.

Due to the fact that I'm not a 'normal' individual, I did a few abnormal things when I was planning my wedding and stuff. For one thing, I planned the whole thing with no help from anybody, because I wanted it to be how I wanted it. That's where my Spaghetti Pot quote come in. Well, that one and the one about the Two Cents. I was going all crazy from planning my wedding and becoming the person I am today, who doesn't give a flyin' rip about all the stupid ignorant things people insist on saying to try to make their life meaningful and worthwhile in their own eyes. Anyway, as I was saying, dad and I were having a conversation one day about people and their ideas of how my wedding should go. IE, I shouldn't have any songs unless they are in OUR SONGBOOK, meaning of course, the Hymns and Songs of Zion, published by the Apostolic Lutheran Book Concern in Battle Ground, WA. Well. At first, I was trying to go along with all the wedding planners and trying not to 'offend' anybody. (Have I ever told you my opinion of that word and it's usage today? I'll hafta expound on that some day in the future.) HA! I finally said screw them all, I DON'T even CARE. I am the one getting married, and I am the one who is gonna use the gifts we get so therefore I shall GO where I want and PUT what I want on my gift Registry and have the songs played at my wedding that I want, and if people wanna try to drag my name through the mud for it they can just go right ahead, because Reece's name AND mine have already been hauled through the pigpen so who really cares anymore? SO. Back to the main point of this paragraph. Dad and I were talking one day and dad says, "You know that people are always going to have their spaghetti pots-" And I interrupted and said ; "I DON'T CARE! They can go ahead and HAVE their spaghetti pots! This is MY pot and they better keep their noodles out of it!" And to another person: "They can go right ahead and GIVE me their two cents and I'LL give them FIVE cents and tell them to keep the change!" And I did.

Anyway. The Thursday before the wedding, mom and I and whoever we could find to help us, were at the church getting it all ready and decorated and stuff. My plan was that I would have EVERYTHING done on Thursday so I could sit around and do nothing the day before the wedding! I accomplished my goal. Ha. I woke up at around 5:30am that day and went to bed around 2am Friday morning! :) But everything was done before I went to bed! While mom & I were cleaning the church, people kept coming along telling me that I was the BRIDE - like that's some disease or something that was supposed to turn me into a helpless cripple that sat in a chair sipping Wine and Meade (What is that supposed to mean?) and doing nothing because I was getting married. I never stopped cleaning as I repeated the same response to every person that came along. "I'm cleaning this church, because I am picky, and nobody else is gonna do a good enough job for me." And I also thought to myself, "And nobody can do this stuff FASTER than me either!" Just a few facts FYI: I could never beat my record for vacuuming that church. One day I did the entire sanctuary in 15 minutes. The whole church was vacuumed in a half hour. I never could get the fellowship hall done in that short amount of time, but I thinks it's cause over there you have 99,000 chair legs and table legs to vacuum around and under and in between. That always took me 45 minutes no matter how hard and fast I worked and sweated. *Is sweated a word? If it ain't I apologize to all mankind.* Woe be to the person who got in the way of my vacuum hose when I was trying to beat a record! K. I'll get off my spur track.

Friday, Elina and I went and got our nails done. First time I ever had that done in all my life and they were so perty! Of course, beings these pretty nails were on my hands, a full day couldn't go by without Kitty tearing out the door to try to kill the neighbor cat and me leaping down the steps screaming like a banshee at her and scooping her off the sidewalk and in the process, hitting my pinky nail on my right hand on the concrete and removing a corner of the polish. Glory. That night I went on my Last Night Out with the wimmen. We went to Walmart first and they went on some treasure hunt thing and bought me stuff from a bunch of random departments. I can't remember who's idea that was, but I ended up with Spongebob jammies, a Minnie Pearl hat, a Fondue pot, some fake teeth- by the way, it doesn't work very well to smoke with fake teeth in your mouth- and I can't remember what else they gave me. OH. ROFL! I just remembered one thing they bought me but I shall not divulge what it was because there might be some dewy eyed stranger reading this. ;) Anyhow, I required these people to each give me fifty cents, so I could play my car racing game while they shopped for me. Elina being the loving person that she is, required me to kneel down in a shopping cart, fold my hands and beg for my quarters from her. (I got pictures of that!!) And, when I did her bidding she looked at me very condescendingly and said, "You're pathetic." and then gave me my quarters.

After they were all done shopping, I donned my Spongebob outfit over my rehearsal dinner clothes, put on my Minnie Pearl hat and we went to Denny's. I have no idea what I ate but I do know there was a really weird guy there that wanted me to go home with him. It was quite creepy. For one thing, he was old enough to be my grandpa! And he had really rotten teeth and acted drunk or something. All I know is when he leaned over me to talk to me his breath smelled like something had long ago died in his mouth.

Saturday morning dawned and Reece came to pick me up to go to his cousin Tracy's house to get my hair done. I of course, had a gigantic cold sore on the side of my mouth due to the fact that I was just a tiny bit under stress and not getting much sleep for a few weeks before the wedding. So Tracy followed Reece's orders and put some cover up on it and it did the trick! To this day when I look at my wedding pictures I hafta almost get out a magnifying glass to see where the hideous thing was! Thank you Tracy! :)

We showed up at the church for pictures and when at last everybody from the wedding party arrived we started pictures. Actually, we did do a few of just Reece and I while we waited. I remember being shadowed by someone the whole time we were taking pictures tho'. Apparently some weird people in this world didn't want me to faint that day, so they gave Naomi strict orders to follow me around with a sandwich until I ate every single crumb. And she followed their orders to the letter. I had no Peace On Earth (or Goodwill To Men either, actually) until that sandwich was completely gone!

At last pictures were done and I had to go hide because there were millions of people showing up. We tried collecting all the bridesmaids but one was still missing in action and nobody could locate her. Finally they found Karen in the kitchen, trying to help Donna fix our cake which had miraculously fallen over onto it's side. Let me tell you! That's always a wonderful thing to hear ten minutes before you walk up the aisle!! (At our reception here in MN, someone made us another tiered cake to try to make up for the one that died in SC, and would you believe?? That cake had the same issues!! ROFL!) I was all big and brave and stuff getting poked and prodded and arranged and rearranged and getting help to go to pee and stuff right up until mom & dad came into the nursery. Suddenly I realized I was getting married! And I was leaving them! And I wouldn't ever live in their house again and nothing would ever be the same and I missed my mommy and she was standing right in front of me bawling as hard as me and asking if I wanted them to tell Reece I had changed my mind? Now if that wasn't enough to make me sit up and take notice NOTHING was! I said "NO!!!" and we headed out the door.

I have always loved the Wedding March and so I, being the rebel that I am, chose that for my processional. I knew I'd probably get shot down by SOMEONE for using it but I didn't even care! Not only that but I had a PIANO at my wedding! Oh and did I mention I had Kolby play Chariots of Fire while the ushers lit the candles? LOL! I wonder how many people other than me noticed the significance? :D Anyway, so mom & dad & I start towards the door and the aisle that was gonna change my life forever. And as soon as I heard the Wedding March begin, we started walking forward. Now, me being the strange sort that I am... well... let's just say that I'm not the kind of person to listen to my classical music quietly in the background of my day. I love blasting that stuff like other people blast Sweet Home Alabama. Anyway, I LOVE the Wedding March and it always invigorates me. Which is rather unfortunate when you KNOW how people are supposed to S L O W L Y creep up the aisle while that song plays. SIGH. I didn't creep. I struck off for the front of that church like my train was on fire. About halfway up the aisle I noticed people's faces whizzing by and I thought "WHOA!" And aloud (emphasis on loud) I said, "WE'RE GOING TOO FAST!!" and everybody around started laughing. So we slowed down a tiny bit but we still had to stand there for about a minute to let the song finish! It was great!

Now, Reece had been going around for weeks saying he was gonna faint at the wedding, but as soon as he took my arm, he felt me shaking and started getting worried I was gonna be the one fainting! He really started getting worried when I soaked the elbow of his tux because I was sweating so bad! I know I always exaggerate things people, but I am dead serious this time. As I stood there in front of the whole entire church full of people, I felt my elbows dripping water. Which made me sweat harder 'cause I was scared that people in the front row could see those drops as they fell. Oh my. I had put deodorant on JUST before leaving the nursery, but as soon as we got back down the aisle, I had to reapply. There was none left at all. It was great. It was awful and I couldn't rest until I could actually hug people without trying to keep my arms glued to my sides. Sheesh.

Okay now, I went back down the aisle a little too fast. I wasn't done getting married yet. Now, Reece & I had decided that we were not going to kiss at the wedding. And we had told the photographer that fact unfortunately. SIGH. See, Renny informed us that if we didn't kiss she was gonna yell and scream and make a general nuisance of herself unless we did. So we decided we would. As I said, I unfortunately never told Larry this tidbit of information. As soon as Arvi said, "You may kiss the bride." and Reece looked at me I got the most WONDERFUL idea I've ever had. Reece started leaning toward me and at the last second, I whipped my bouquet in front of our faces so nobody could see a thing. ROFL! I'm still proud of myself for that one! Now one thing annoys me about our wedding. Me being the people pleaser that I was being, I refused to have someone video our wedding. Still pisses me off to this day. Not only that, but the recording system wasn't working for some reason so there is absolutely no public record of that moment. If there was something somewhere I'd probably hit replay over and over for no other reason that to hear this again and again:
Arvi: "You may kiss the bride."
Congregation: "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
It was awesome.

We triumphantly turned around, were introduced as Mr & Mrs. Reece Tumberg and as my favorite song in the world was played, we proceeded to try and trample Larry Salo to an untimely death. I have no idea what the deal was. I had my eyes on the entry at the back of the church and nothing was gonna stop me from getting through those doors and being safe from all those eyes on me at one time. Reece must have been suffering from some of the same issues or something... well, actually, he saw his cousin Jeff's hand stuck out in the aisle to give him a high five, and he gave Jeff the high five, but neither one of us saw poor Larry in front of us frantically backing down the aisle, waving his hands like he was trying to stop charging bulls yelling, "STOP! STOP!" and at the same time trying to get his tripod set down so he could get a picture of us. When we were almost to safety, we finally saw him and paused for about 3/100ths of a second, grimaced at the camera and kept running. Not kidding about that either. You should really see that picture! It's hilarious!!!

Good grief. Talk about long winded people! I have written another book and I haven't even gotten to the reception yet! I'm gonna hafta drag this out for another day people... my husband just called me and I need to go chew him our for trying to run Larry over. And in CHURCH no less!!!