Words

 I keep wanting to write but when I think about what to write I have no idea what to say. I don't WANT to write about feelings. I don't WANT to have them in the first place! I don't WANT to keep slogging forward with my brain half out of gear, forgetting everything that I usually remember. It's like pregnancy brain on steroids. Forget the part where you can't remember words like "car" or "toaster" or "exit" or "toll plaza." I have forgotten to pay bills and transfer money and gotten overdraft charges and forgotten more meals than I've eaten. Reece has to ask 400 times where the next drop is when he usually can look at his list, look at the map and have it etched in stone for eternity. No kidding. He can tell you the directions to the first Central Boiler dealer he ever went to, and drive past a wide spot on the road and know what patch of trees he was behind when he got the truck stuck 10 years ago. Now... Now we wander down the road, find dealers, write directions, and have to look at the map and paperwork 65,000 times per stop. 

 I hate it that there are such people in the world who have to fill in the silence with noise. Words. Words that have no meaning whatsoever. Words that you could happily bash their head in for saying. I mean really, what exactly is the point of rebuking me for "abandoning my kids" when you aren't even close enough to me to do more than say "Hi" when you see me. And then proceed to ramble on about how my kids are so wild and yours are so calm compared to mine. What does that have to do with the price of crap in the Caribbean??

 What makes you, who has never walked in our shoes or lived our life or been married to either one of us be capable of telling me how we should act or think or speak or how we should move forward out of this hellhole? And by the way, while we are on the subject, if you've never experienced this, how can you say I shouldn't use such "strong words" to describe what we're feeling?

 It's not easy, it never has been easy, and it never will be easy for ANYBODY to lose a child. Doesn't matter if that kid lived for 6 weeks or for 50 years. It ain't easy. It's kinda morbidly funny to me that we have thought and said to each other that "It would be so much easier if it was ONLY a miscarriage." Can you even wrap your brain around that statement? I know the devastation of a miscarriage. I've been there! I can understand how people are brought to their knees by having to deal with one! And here I'm thinking it would just be so much easier. That's just one reason I describe this as hellish. There are others, but I don't feel like whining about that anymore.

 I want to talk about awesome people. People who are there with hugs. Tight hugs, that make you feel hugged. You feel how much they love you and you know they will remember. Hugs that don't come with platitudes. Just a hug and the words, "I love you." "I won't even say anything, because I know." "I wish I could take this away for you, but I can't. So just know that I love you and I am praying for you." Those aren't JUST hugs. Those are hugs from Jesus. From angels on earth who are sent to pour in oil and the balm of Gilead.

 People who make you eat, make you coffee, rub your back, smooth your hair, give you kleenex because your eyes and nose are competing to see who can pour out the most liquid. People who make you teddy bears, preach sermons, give you figurines of teddy bears or baby boy's leaning on Jesus' hand and understand exactly how you feel about your kids because you were a lonely only. People who have walked this road for years and years and people who just got the detour sign thrown up in front of them. 

 Brenda, The Old Man, Kathy, Christine, Bonnie, Annie, Krystal, Lyra, Brenda, Jocelyn, Betty, Emily, Elina, Matt, Joy, Andrea, Molly, Leila, Naomi, Josh, Jodi, Mindy, Amanda, Lyle, Amy, Anna, Pat, Eve, Sallie, Leah, Dedra, Jo, Maria, Shaneen, Sarah, Lisa, Tana, Denise, Shelly, Kris, Dave, Loree. Friends, cousins, preachers, doctors, nurses. All of you, best of the best. I love all of you and thank you for your words, your silence, your compassion and your hugs. And for those ones I listed who know... I'm sorry and I hate it that you know too, but I'm so glad we all know together instead of alone. I love you too. God bless us, every one!