You go on Facebook and see posts from people who have what you lost and it hurts. Someone posts a picture of their baby in the spot they took their first breath and you remember that yours took his last in the same spot. Someone posts an ultrasound picture with their due date and you know it's only a week after yours was. Someone asks about kids sharing their rooms and you suddenly remember how in your house the boys were going to have Rosie's room and she was gonna move in with Rachel & Resa and you can't comment.
Somebody posts a picture snuggling their nice squishy warm baby and you remember the last time you saw yours he was ice cold and you put him in a freaking box and latched it. People post clothes on the swap & shop site and you remember the bag of baby boy clothes you bought this summer for your little boy who will never wear them. You see a waitress with a pregnant belly and you can't eat your food anymore because yours was just that size 2 weeks before and now it's flat and empty. You go to bed at night with a baby blanket hugged to your chest but it only has a teddy bear in it not the little boy you had all those dreams for.
You look at Reece who always wanted two boys. Yeah, he got them, but there's only one left here for him to hug and teach how to drive tractors and trucks. Only one to help him grunt when he's tightening bolts. The little blonde boy who looked so different from his little dark haired brother who left too soon. You see pictures posted from the hospital welcoming little babies and you remember their post welcoming your baby a few hours after he left. You see a newspaper and realize that your baby is probably going to have his birth announcement published in the same paper as his obituary. You think about going home and you remember the big huge box of diapers you got from the hospital the day before he was gone. You buy Mother's Milk tea and the next day you have to go trade it in for No More Milk tea.
Yep. We're in the club alright. I'm still in the kicking and screaming against participation part right now though. And rejoice while I'm here at this stage? If you remotely think it's not natural to want to actually HOLD your live baby instead of bury a dead one you can go suck a pickled fish and gag yourself. Meanwhile I'm going to go ask Jesus to give all my babies a hug from me since I can't do it. Oh. P.S. I AM happy that my babies don't miss me as bad as I miss them. That would be horrible.
So sorry! Hugs!
ReplyDeleteI have no words...just know I am so sorry and I do care. God be with you!
ReplyDeleteAnd someday when all your other littles grow up and find homes in places that are too far away you will miss them more than you miss him. Huh!?? does that really happen? Yes, it has for me. Do I miss my one that ran on ahead? You bet I do but I miss my one's in Texas and Georgia more.
ReplyDeleteI can so understand this. I carried our 4th baby, Casey for 23 weeks and when he was gone well meaning people said the wrong things. "Well, at least your young. You can have more". "At least you didn't take him home and then have to let him go". Ugh. What I wouldn't have given for just one day at home. To even have a sleeper that he had worn to hold. Empty. Hollow. Void. Gone. I have a photo but it was after he had gone to the funeral home. He didn't look right anymore so I clipped it and put both of the hands in a heart locket that has 2 frames. I am so glad that now-a-days they treat people so much better., I was glad to see your photos which looked to me like the beginning of healing. God be with you and yours. Thanks for sharing. Deb
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