A Week

 It's been a week. A week from heaven and hell both. I've spent longer in hell though this week... He was only alive half of it. That was the heaven part. Then he coded and hell opened up. Really, I just wish swearing would help me feel better. I could say a whole lotta stuff right now. It feels like God tricked us. We were SO happy a week ago that Radley was so big and breathing and ALIVE!! And then, before I ever got to see him he gets sick and dies less than 12 hours later. What was the point of even letting him live then??!!!! If I had even SUSPECTED this was gonna happen you'd have had to chase my hospital bed down hwy 10 to get me to stay up here when they took him!! Who gives a shit about me when I could be spending every single second with him before he died??! 

 And if you don't really wanna hear my grief journey and how I'm not always like everybody else, blessing the name of The Lord while in the Valley of the Shadow of Frickin Death then you can unfollow and unfriend me. I won't say life sucks today, I'm gonna say death sucks and I'm pissed at Adam and Eve for screwing up my life!!! Any of you who know me know how I am and that I'm blunt and I speak my mind. So if something, or several somethings *snicker* about this post bother you, then you really have no idea how I really grieve or process stuff.

 I know that every time I have a sucky day Reece will be having a "good" day, and every time he has a sucky day I'll have a "good" one. God is very detail oriented like that. He knows who to send and for what and when and for how long and why that person is needed. That's not my point tonight. I'm on a ranting rampage and that's how my mood is. And in case you're wondering, God isn't going to feel shocked by anything I have to say here. He knows where it's coming from and why I'm saying it and the feelings of hurt that are causing it. And just in case you haven't quite gotten the memo, you ain't gonna hide your anger from God just because you suck it up and bottle it up and hide it inside the bottom left cupboard door in the back room of your heart, you idiot. He's GOD for Pete's sake!! He knows your thoughts and he knew you before you were born and he knows the peckin hairs on your head. I think he can handle my dumb ignorant humanized narrow view on his plan and take my yelling. And guess what. He's still gonna love me when I'm done. Good thing too, 'cause I feel betrayed and it makes me mad.

 I already know the path ahead of me. I know it's gonna suck, I've been partway down it before. I got off on a different exit before, but I've been down the same road! I KNOW I'll do better and go back to being all Christian and stuff about it, but right now, it's a week later and I'm mad. I will leave you with the quote of the week that fits my mood tonight and Reece's mood the other night when I was doing good. 

"We know God has a plan, and this is obviously in his plan... But sometimes you just wanna bitch slap him."