I Hate Everything

 I'm crabby. And I hate pretty much the whole world... so I'm blogging to tell you world, that you suck giant pink glow-fish.

 I hate being crabby and I hate feeling alone. I hate being grumpy at the husband and kids because they won't just let me be sad, and then I hate that I'm crabby at them because I shouldn't feel that way and after that I hate that I'm crabby about feeling pissy about feeling crabby. And I hate second guessing my pissyness.

 I hate first birthdays with no baby to eat his first cake and I hate the whole year leading up to it. And I hate every birthday that will ever come or has come for the last nine years that didn't and won't have that particular kid here with me. I hate starting school with the wrong number of kids in the house and I hate feeling lost in my head because I'm trying to forget what I hate.

 I hate happy people who have what I always wanted and I hate knowing so many other people who know what I feel. I hate people who smile and people who scowl and anybody in general who may happen to look at me.

 I hate worrying that there's a fifth shoe out there waiting to drop... since four of them already have, and I hate it when I'm told I shouldn't feel that way. I hate it when people tell me "it was their time" and I hate being told about someone's idea of Gods plan and being told I gotta accept it. I hate that people don't give the devil the credit he deserves for all the death and destruction in this world and I hate that they try to get people to blame God for it with their holy bullshit.

 I hate that people can't understand that God is big and he gets how we feel and he isn't shocked or horrified by what we rant and rave at him. And I hate that I'm back to being mad at him. At least this time I'm mad at him for the right reasons instead of believing what everybody told me for almost nine years, which is that God sits in heaven with a 2X4 waiting to kill off your kids and destroy your life because you swore one day or bought a camera. I hate that he allowed my kid's time to be so short and I think he screwed up and should look into hiring new planners if this is all the wondrous plan he allowed.

 I hate that some people will sit back ashen-faced, gasping for air, like I'm gonna get struck dead for saying what I think out loud. I hate that they don't believe God when he says that he knows the thoughts and the intents of our hearts, because if you believed him you'd keep your gasping to yourself and quit acting like you don't think anything. By the way, if you think God kills off kids because of your thoughts that you don't wanna be pregnant, how do you think he doesn't know if you're secretly mad at him. Y'think he never dusts that shelf off or something? Boy, you got a pitiful god, I hate that for you it must be a sad life.

 I hate that there's so few people who actually care in word and deed, and I hate the fact that so many people have danced across the Back Stabber Stage in my life, may you all trip on your dance shoes and land in a nice soft bed of ros(bush)es. Oh, and I hate all the forgive and forget with emPHASIS on the forget when it's only me that's supposed to forget and you get to continually beat me over the head for something ten years down the road. I hate unfairness.

 I hate stupid Facebook and it's stupid memory dragging up thing, it keeps showing me all these posts from BEFORE. I hate that some days there's two befores on the same day and I hate how little I knew about AFTER, before the first BEFORE it shows me. And I hate that I know so much more about AFTER after the second BEFORE. If that makes no sense to you, you have no reason to hate either before or after and I'm glad. Probably the only thing you'll get me to admit a smidgen of glad about for a week. And I hate that too.

 I hate everything. And if you hate anything I said you're probably on The Fast Track To Everything. So have a good night!