I Have a Friend

 So. Many of you have probably heard me ranting and raving about this one friend I have. She's been my friend for ohhh, I don't even know... 18 years or something? She and I started off as pen pals, then we moved to where she lived, then we moved away and I got a job and could afford to talk on the phone. We have spent many many hours on the phone over the years talking about boys, then boyfriends who turned into fiancés, who then became husbands which in turn caused a lot of wedding talk.

 And then we were talking about trucking and construction and owning a business. Then it was about losing kids and kids in general, then more losing kids - for both of us this time.

 We have talked about heaven and how you get there, people and how annoying they are, coffee, clothes, homeschooling our kids, blood, guts, broken hearts, and kids who are scared of turds in the tub.

 Now, this friend has been here for me through everything. When the world went psycho because of that horrible unbelieving alcoholic I was marrying, she was there. When I lost my first baby, she was there. When I had my first live baby she had her first a few months before and we learned it all together. She is one of the few who knew about the second baby I lost because I knew she wouldn't say stupid stuff. She sent flowers to the hospital when Raina died and I knew they were from her and started crying when I saw the purple flowers and the teddy bear hugging the vase.

 She bribed me into taking a pregnancy test with Revven by getting me something to assuage my fears because he was an odd number baby and they had all died before he came along. She's sent more flowers and stuffed puppies and teddy bears and Precious Moments figurines at random intervals over the years. 

 She listened while I talked about how weird it was when dad died because that wasn't my dad who died, my real dad died years ago. She came to visit with her family last year and we made a pregnant lady, midnight visit, to walmart and accidentally bought Lindt truffles and hid them so we could eat them after our kids went to bed the rest of the time they were here.

 She was there praying when I started bleeding last year and I was freaking out. She was there talking to me on the phone while I watched my baby sleep on the webcam from the NICU. She called me at 7am the morning he died and we cried. She couldn't come to his funeral because her baby was only two weeks old, but she came for Raina's birthday which is always a hell day to start with. 

 She was there when Raina and Radley got their headstones. She took pictures while we put them in. She hugged me while I cried a (literal) puddle on my counter when we got home from the cemetery and I opened my mail and found a little ornament with Radley's name and dates on it. She helped me clean my room, which had debilitated me because of the bag of clothes in there that I had gotten from a garage sale for Radley and he never got to wear them.

 She asked what I wanted her to do with them and I said, "I don't know. I just never want to see them again." She hid her baby from me so seeing him didn't hurt. She brought him to the back room if he cried to be sure I wouldn't have a panic attack from hearing him.

 We drank hot chocolate and she babysat the kids so Reece & I could go on a date. She had to stay an extra day because on my birthday there was a blizzard and the roads were crappy. She tells me she didn't do anything when she was here and I said, "you were here."

 Then she got pregnant. And I told her I oughtta beat the shit out of her and she understood and hugged me on the phone while I cried. She refuses to let me feel mean for any of this. I can't feel mean for feeling mad that her baby lived and mine didn't and she gets another one too. She says the only way it's wrong for me to feel this way is if it's wrong for me to love Radley. And then they find out they're having another boy and I'm still not allowed to feel bad for her that she's my friend and I'm a pile of crap half the time these days. 

 She doesn't even fully KNOW what this feels like, and she just loves me anyway. She has never passed judgement on my ranting and raving and howling at the moon about the utter unfairness of life. She has never expected me to be who I'm not, and she's never shipped me off in a hand basket to hell for the choices I've made. She has adopted me as much as I've adopted her and I love her to death, so this time I'm blogging about HER. Isn't it annoying when your friends are so logical and awesome and right about stuff?

P.S. Creep, if this made you sniffle and laugh and choke on your tears, lemme ask you again... Did you just meet me today??!