Why Are Women Boring Wimps?

  I have a question for you. Why are women so boring and stupid? I can’t even carry on a conversation with a bunch of them because my mind grows dull and I feel cobwebs forming. Whereas, if I hang out with my husband I can have a conversation that makes sense with a pile of guys. We can talk about trucks or tractors or motors or farming or remodeling a house or hogs and if I don’t know stuff they explain it to me and I learn things. Women get in a group and you hear endless stories about giving birth and cracked nipples and the best way to organize your underwear drawer. That’s fine for about half an hour but good grief, solve the problem and MOVE ON before I get so bored I feel like asking the collective group what effect they think the relative theory of genetically engineered hydroponics has on the grass roots movement.
  Honestly. I listen to women speak and I stand there shaking my head and wondering how they can possibly laugh about being so utterly dumb. “Oh, my husband and kids are all into hogs but I wouldn’t have the first clue how to do anything with them.” REALLY?? And you’re ADMITTING it OUT LOUD and tittering like you’re so helplessly dumb there isn’t a prayer in the world that you’d be able to hit the broadside of the hog barn from the inside? I didn’t know shit about hogs (pun intended) last year either, but I sure learned a lot! I also spent an hour or two or three shoveling in the barn and asking questions about things and telling men to tell me all about what I wanted to know because I’m dumb and clueless. Guess what? They are happy to explain it! All you gotta do is ask! None of this standing around dressed to the nines in my clean clothes happily blathering on about being stupid for me. Of course I’m also the one who had a piglet hospice in my living room so there’s that...
  My husband starts speaking in languages I don’t understand about things I have no idea about and I’m all over it. The thermostat is bad? Why would that make the head gasket blow? What makes the smoke come out of the motor when you’re driving it down the road? What is this tractor body part? How does it attach? What does it do? How does it do THAT? Why does it work? Show me! Invariably, no matter what we’re working on, I also have the conversation about whether or not he actually means FOR SERIOUS that I can tighten that bolt as tight as I can because that one bolt I tightened on the H still hasn’t come loose after 2 years so we can actually change the worm gear. (Hey. It’s not my fault. I asked him AND his dad, THREE TIMES!!!! if I could tighten it as tight as I could and they said yes every time.)
  That brings me to another thing. I get talked to about that famous Proverbs 31 lady. As in, me should be like her. You know her right? That lady who sits around coiffed and looking lovely, serving tea and crumpets to her neighbor ladies while they talk about giving birth and washing dishes and asking their husbands for permission to buy stainless steel sponges from the Fuller Brush lady? Yeah. About that. The person *I* read about in Proverbs 31 did stuff like strengthen her arms and work like a dog and consider fields and then go buy them. A field is a bit more than a box of cheezits at Walmart. Or a box of stainless steel sponges from Fuller Brush, which, by the way, amazon sells for cheaper than Fuller Brush but I digress. Anyway.
  What is all this permission asking from the man about? My husband has this job he does and he would get quite annoyed if I bothered him all the time about buying stupid stuff like that. Are you somebody who can’t be trusted with a checkbook or something? If you go wandering the earth buying everything you see and running the poor man ragged demanding more money to buy your dumb crap you ain’t a Proverbs 31 lady even if you do dress the part and act wimpy about hauling softener salt in to the house. Oh wait. She strengthened her arms so she probably could have done a bit more than lift a six pound newborn. She probably made her own softener salt actually.
  I doubt she needed a babysitter to buy the weeks groceries. Her husband sat in the gates and said wise things with the men of the city, he didn’t come home early so he could watch the 4 kids so she could buy toilet paper. He didn’t stop on the way home and do the shopping for her because she was too busy with her cracked nipples and crumpet batter to leave the house either. Honestly. Women want their husbands to tell them everything to think and feel and say and do and where to go and how to get there and how long they should be gone and if they can even go in the first place. WHY? Why are they such spineless wimps?
  I guess I’m different than a lot of people. I don’t faint if I get poop on my hands in a barn because I know that soap exists. I know how to milk a cow because I asked questions and I learned. I can carry in two bags of softener salt in the house at once because it’s lighter than carrying one when they’re balanced. And honestly, dude. I don’t CARE if you legit can’t lift heavy stuff. It’s fine. But if you COULD and you just simper around about women being the weaker vessel and that garbage? I don’t wanna hear it. If you have the opportunity to learn things about what your husband does for a living or things he’s interested in and you don’t take them, I don’t wanna hear you talk about how dumb you are. You’re a disgrace to the gender. Women like me who have the brains and willpower to hoist heavy stuff and grocery shop with all the kids and fly across the country alone with our kids are tired of talking to you. We want to know more important things about your life like the fact that you learned how to change the oil on your minivan.
  I have to go now. My husband came home and we are going out to change the strap on the air tank under the battery box under the step on the truck. Go have yourself a smart day and figure out what I’m talking about all on your own.