A Hissy Fit About Smoking

  So I have this thing I’ve been planning on doing for a while. It hasn’t happened yet because I don’t feel like doing it. That thing is quitting smoking. Let me just be real clear about a few things. I hate it when people go all gleeful on me about it if I say I should quit or I wanna quit or I am going to quit. It irritates me and I go have a cigarette to annoy them. I hate it when people get all health freak on me and be all “oh your health” on me about it. If I cared about that I wouldn’t have started again in the first place. I may punch somebody if they tell me that I should quit so I can be around for my kids because they need me because I already know that and if you know me, you know I hate being told the obvious.
  Here’s the deal. I have only ever quit because I was pregnant. I got sick if I smoked then and I would smoke until I puked. Literally puked and kept puffing until I was puking so hard I couldn’t inhale another puff. Then I was done for months until after that kid was born and who knows why I would start again. I don’t remember. What I do remember is why I started this last time. We had a pregnant waitress at a truckstop and her belly was the size mine had been about 2 weeks before. I couldn’t even handle it and I left my food on the table and went and bought a pack and smoked and bawled like a mental case in front of the truckstop.
  Here’s the other deal. I don’t know if I care that it hurts me to smoke. It seems to me that smoking serves my stupid body right for kicking my baby out before he had a good chance to live. So I smoke. And right now I think I should just quit and get it over with, but I don’t really want to. What I really want is to have my baby here and have all the dead baby stuff not happen to me or anybody else ever again as long as time lasts. I’m guessing though that that isn’t an option inthe whole grand scheme of things. Heh. Also, I’m not looking for some rah rah cheer party or some stupid sympathy or any other noise I don’t wanna hear. I’m just over here writing and ranting to get the words out that have been stuck inside me for the last 3 years, 3 months, and 23 days.
  I’m throwing a virtual hissy fit about unfairness of life and why I stubbornly plow along doing what I do. If you don’t like it I can donate a pack of menthol American Spirits to you and you can have a tirade alone. I quit. I think. Just remember, it is better for a man to smoke in the here and now than in the hereafter. *snicker*