Five years ago I found out. You were the wild child. The crazy little nut who kicked the doppler at 12 weeks. The kid who leapt madly around inside like life was the most exciting thing that had ever happened to you. My girl who used my bladder as a trampoline. Child, it would have been nice if you had cut the activity back a smidgen so as not to do things like wrap the cord around your neck. Couldn't you have waited another 18 weeks to do those last jumping jacks?
I remember the last day your daddy ever went hunting. I finally came to grips with the idea that I really hadn't felt you move for way too long, so I called the hospital and they told me to come in at 1pm and they'd check it out. I called daddy 400 times, but he was out chasing a deer and didn't have his phone on him. I finally got ahold of him about noon and he came right home, took a shower and then we went in.
They put me on a monitor and couldn't find a heartbeat really, but it sounded quite loud and thumpy in there so finally daddy went to get a burger because he hadn't eaten all day. That's when they sent me back to ultrasound. We were quite certain that somehow, you were just hiding and that's why we couldn't find your heartbeat. Until I saw the screen. Before she even found your heart I knew. It was too still on that screen. There was no swooshing or movements of any sort and I knew. She found your heart and it was just there inside you. A little lump sitting deathly still in your chest. I said, "There's no heartbeat is there?" and the tech said, "No, there isn't. I'm so sorry."
I tried not to cry. I really did. I bit my lip and looked at the ceiling but they started anyway. She looked at my face and said, "You know what? We can do all this later." and then she stuck the wand away, put the towel over my belly, grabbed me and hugged me and hugged me. We sat there hugging and crying until daddy called to find me. I had him come back to radiology and then we told him you were gone. I wish I could remember the techs name... She's the best one Tri-County has in my opinion.
After that time she just instinctively knew that the heartbeat was the first thing we looked for and nothing else. She would just sit there and let me watch the baby's heart pumping away for as long as I wanted before she started all her measuring and such stuff. She's also the last one who ever did an ultrasound for me because I saw her and kept begging for her to do it for me even though technically isn't her job anymore. She's got higher ranking now. Ha!
Anyway, back to November 7, 2010... We left ultrasound and went back to a room where we waited for Dr Murdoch to get there. While we waited we watched NASCAR. That is the last race I ever remember seeing, and I still don't know who won it! We decided that we would come back in the morning and they would induce me, so we went home to tell people and pretend to sleep.
Daddy called a few people and a couple came over to our house. When I walked in the house I remember seeing the mom who had the same thing happen to her the year after I was born. She just looked at my face, started crying and came and violently hugged me. That's all. And I still love her for that.
Monday morning we went in, I was forced into labor and we sat there all day waiting for it to be over. You came and the entire room was silent. This very minute, as I sit here 5 years and a few hours later I can still hear that silence. The silence that was so WRONG in a delivery room. It was in that moment of silence that I finally realized you really were gone for real. You were gone. I held you in my hands and looked at you and your chest and it didn't move. Your hands lay limp and still and you didn't breathe. I have never been the same since.
I love you, Raina. All the way to eternity and back. May you be as wild in heaven as you were on earth.
Love you , Reece and Ronda. Some wild day......!
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