Dead Hope

 Four years ago today I stopped believing that humanity had any kind of care about me or my family or our needs. Okay, that’s a bit of a broad brush. How about I boil it down to say that 4 years ago over the next 20 hours I lost all my hope, all my niceness, and all my trust in God and the people around me who were there to “help.”

  I didn’t flat out insist that I be brought down to the hospital no matter what. I didn’t demand that she just bring me there. I didn’t call anybody else to bring me, because I believed she cared and was looking out for me. I didn’t drive myself because I actually wasn’t supposed to be out of the hospital myself yet because I was half dead and not supposed to drive. I didn’t rant and rave the way I wanted to because I was being nice and I felt like it was rude to shout that I didn’t CARE about pickles and I didn’t CARE about recovering and I didn’t CARE about anything but getting to the hospital.

  My baby was there and I failed him. I wasn’t there. And to this day I think if I had been, there would have been a different outcome. I was nice and so  I didn’t get to spend any time with him at all. I had hope that he would actually live because all these people prayed for him. I trusted that God would let him live like he does for so many thousand other people.

  But at about 2:45-3:00am on September 4, 2014, my Give A Shit died. And my Nice died. And my trust died. And my hope died. I don’t pray for babies any more. They die anyway, what’s the point? And if they don’t die I want to punch people for all their gloating about how they had great faith and great trust and great prayers and how they told God their kid couldn’t die so they didn’t. I guess I wasn’t aware that I should have stood there and said, “God, you’re not allowed to take my baby. He has so much potential and we love him, therefore you can’t be sovereign and allow whatever you want. In this case it’s not your will be done it’s mine.” I actually thought that was selfish and not how one was supposed to “pray.” But from the stories I’ve heard since it’s what has saved a lot of people’s kids. 

  Apparently all you gotta do is “stand in the gap” and order God around and “you” will be able to stop the creator of the universe from doing what he pleases with your kid’s life. I hope you hear the pouring sarcasm there, because that whole prideful thought process is bullshit. And if you say that you’re so much holier or you prayed so much better than I and all the hundreds of others who prayed, then let me inform you of something. You’re an ass. I don’t like you either. Your stupid miracle as you call it wasn’t conjured up by your special prayer potion. You didn’t create the “miracle.” So shut up. Also, if you are such a great pray-er person, where were you when I needed you four years ago? Thanks a lot for killing my kid off with your uncaring, neglectful “faith.”

  None of this has anything to do with believing in God. It has to do with not trusting him. Also not trusting “his people.” And it has to do with having hope and it getting mashed and smashed into nothing you’ve ever felt before. 

  I don’t need to hear loud pontificating about hope and faith and trust. I have found those things, just not the way general humans have them. I have hope that I will see him again. I have faith because I know God knows me and loves me. I have trust that he will take care of me. It’s this life that I agree with Solomon about. Vanity, vanity, all is vanity. And I know that, whatsoever God doeth, it shall be for ever: nothing can be put to it, nor any thing taken from it: and God doeth it, that men should fear before him. 

  The other things I know are that Hope deferred maketh the heart sick: but when the desire cometh it is a tree of life, and if in this life only we have hope in Christ, we are of all men most miserable. I don’t have hope about anything in this stupid world any more.

  I have hope that death and hell will be cast into the lake of fire which is the second death. And I trust that God shall wipe all tears from my eyes and there will be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain, for all the former things are passed away and death will be swallowed up in victory. And that’s what I got.