I Wish

 I wish a lot of things. I wish babies didn't die, I wish people's kids didn't die. I wish people would allow everyone to grieve in their own way instead of putting rules and stipulations on them. I wish I wasn't the only one I know who dares to say what so many other people feel. I wish they were allowed to express what I express for them. I wish people understood that that's what I'm doing in the first place. I wish people would just stop and listen and open their eyes to how many, many people want to say what I say but can't.

 I wish I didn't have anybody to help out in the crappy child loss club we were forced into. I wish I didn't understand what they feel and why they feel it. I sometimes wish I didn't know how to write so that I wouldn't get all the looks and judgements and condemnations and the people twisting what I said into something I never meant. But I write, and I don't stop because I have too many amens blasting forth when I do. 

 I wish I had nobody in my Amen corner because that means people know what I'm saying and they get it and I hate that so many people get it. I wish that people would stop telling us to be thankful for the kids we got to keep because we know better than 90% of the ones telling us, what thankfulness means. It's kinda hard to NOT be thankful for what you have when you know what it's like to not have it.

 I wish that the pro life people would be pro life about babies that were wanted instead of just ones that weren't. I wish they thought that my babies could have cured childhood cancer or been the next Bach or someone who meant something to the world instead of them being a blot to the earth because of some possible problem they might have had. I wish they were seen as people too. I wish people would stop buying into the mindset that when you're pregnant you're a mommy to be or parents to be, you're a mommy when that kid is formed and I wish people would get it. 

 I wish I wasn't looked at weirdly when I say I became a mommy in 2006 instead of 2008 when the first live one was born. I wish that people would care as much about babies born with problems as they do about the ones who aren't. I wish people would stop saying our babies are replaceable. We don't do cloning people, each person is an individual and a person's a person no matter how small. You don't replace one kid with another. 

 I wish people would stop comparing one loss with another. I wish they could figure out that the longer you have your child the more it hurts when they're gone. I wish people would stop saying motherhood ruined their life, because motherhood doesn't even remotely ruin your life.

 What ruins it is your kid dying. That makes all the hard stuff easy. It gives you a thankfulness for what you have that goes beyond the realms of people untouched by death. It makes you look at sleepless nights and spit up on your brand new shirt and crying jags that last for 6 months like a walk in the park. It makes you wish for what they have and don't even know they have it. 

 I wish people would stop and take a look at their messy house and dirty clothes and sticky door knobs and think about the ones who would love to have the problem. I wish they could at least pretend to think about how they would feel if that baby who wants to eat every time they want to do something else  wasn't here. I wish they would think when they hold a warm body how they would feel if that body was as cold as ice and let their heart break a little for the ones who have held the lifeless bodies. I think it would cause a lot of compassion and thankfulness to happen in this world instead of the mundane complaining that everybody does.

 I wish people would try to comprehend what it means when I say that I wish I had more kids around to get all fired ticked off at for dumping out 10lbs of flour and 5lbs of sugar on my couch and all across every square foot of my living rooms. Because when some of them aren't here you wish they were, so that you could teach THEM to behave like humans instead of cave creatures too.

 I wish that people would read and listen with their hearts instead of reading what I say to just cast judgments down or try to bring judgments on their head that were never meant for them in the first place. I wish people wouldn't neatly sidestep my amen corner. You do that and start speechifying to me about bitterness and rejoicing and thankfulness and stuff and all you do is cause another blog post because once again you ignored what everybody is feeling.

 I wish that people wouldn't think that it's okay to hurt other people. I wish they realized that when Jesus said the second greatest commandment is to love your neighbor as yourself, that doesn't include hurting them. Hurting people isn't just a "society mess up," it is wrong because it's unloving. Doesn't matter what you THINK you meant, if you are informed that what you and people in general "have always said" is hurtful then you should maybe think about changing something so you can love your neighbor as yourself.

 I wish I was alone in thinking all of that, but I'm not, so I write. I wish that all of you who know what I mean would have all sorts of hope and hugs and love and peace and light in your darkness until we see our kids again.

 Oh. I also wish the font would stop changing halfway through a blog post for reasons unknown to me. The end.